I’m pleased with the progress of the City Creek Mall, as it shows once again what good stewards The Church is with the Lord’s Sacred Funds, how conservatively they invest, and with such wisdom! We get all that for only a few billion dollars? Let’s build another! Nearer my house, for my neighborhood is sort of run down, too!
Are there not many malls in my Father’s Kingdom? Well, they’ve got some competition down here! But, seriously, there are some real benefits to having The Church engage in garish works before men, selling things which theives do break in and steal, and that moths and rust doth corrupt, whose success depends on high-end consumerism.
Indeed, now rather than being guided by happenstance, public opinion, random hobbyhorsing, guesswork, personal ambition, passive aggressive corporate politics, dart-tossing, bribery, reactionary elders, and misreading of scripture, The Church can finally get guidance from the Invisible Hand, as He opens the Windows of Heaven. What I mean is: there will soon be a way to leverage your shopping money into church policy, for they have bet the farm on this baby; and if we don’t like what they are doing with, say, women, gays, teens, earrings, suit colors, “ethnic” people, tattoos, CES manuals, building design, musicals, or, indeed, anything, now we too have a say.
If we don’t shop, it will close (or bleed the Church dry!), and then how will we Mormons keep our testimonies strong? It is for the good of all Mormons that we do shop at the mall, so that our children don’t grow up in The World, saturated by vulgar advertisements appealing to covetousness and pride, dressed immodestly in non-boutique denim. But let us praise the Market, for now it too shall lead the Lord’s Church.
That is: Don’t shop at the Mall, and make it clear why you are boycotting these retailers: what policy you think should be changed, or who you think should be the next Relief Society President in your ward, all for the betterment of mankind. Hold the next generation’s testimony hostage by consumer boycott: For example, post this update on Facebook: “I’m refusing to shop at City Creek’s Tiffany’s & Co. until I can marry my baby-daddy in the temple, no matter if I am X” where X can be any of the following: already married; a man; a duck; a holocaust survivor now deceased; racially different; already married but recently deceased duck.
The dollar at last has given to ordinary folk the privileges once extended only to aged, mostly over sentimental poor public speakers, frolicking about on red chairs. So, in the spirit of being Free To Choose to spend $168 on designer undershirts, I’ve agreed with “high sources” to pass on this pledge for all Mormons to sign, in the presence of their local leadership, with a slight change.
Please pass it around, in support of the Mall, and hang it on your wall as a declaration to the World:
City Creek: A Declaration To The World, Especially To Inferior and Discount Retailers
“Modern-Day Pioneers Pledging Faithfulness”
I _________________ hereby agree, in the presence of these local authorities, to do the majority of my fine twined linen-, luxury baubles-and-bangles-, crimping pins-, and gourmet kitchen-needs fulfillment at the Lord’s Storehouse, known by the legal name of The City Creek Mall: Zion Rising! By so signing, I indicate that I declare with Modern Prophets that the poor, the wretched, the sick, and the sons of homeless widows will benefit from the increased tax revenue generated by my faithfulness, and that I verily believe that the Lord doesn’t need my money, but that if he’s going to offer such irresistably cute Astrakhan riding boots at such a reasonable price, he’s just going to have to take it!
[Note to authorities: any of the thousands of amazing deals found at the Lord’s Storehouse can be inserted here, we merely mention these boots because they are, in fact, way cute and available at Nordstrom Monday through Saturday, from ten to ten, with extended holiday hours as posted; these boots make a worthy priesthood blessing for one’s Eternal Spouse. Or, just have faith, for the Lord only takes care of those who take care of themselves, and experience a pair for yourself!]
Also, I, ________________ do understand that funds spent shopping are not to be accounted as tithes.
I also Declare that the Lord’s Storehouse gathers all the best goods and verily approved, first-class family friendly high-end identity-solutions providers into a single location, available year round. Whether Heavenly Father sends the rain on the just or the unjust, He won’t inconvenience my sister’s righteous night out in the City, or the guys’ afternoon delight, or grandma’s pre-temple trip housewares replenishment adventures! Indeed, just as Men of Reknown long ago built a Great Tower in order to escape from the Wrath of God again being poured out upon mankind, we have…well, nevermind about that. It’s totally different, even though The World is as wicked as it was during Noah’s time (and as poorly dressed!), because this time around President Gordon B. Hinckley, the Lord’s Mouthpiece and Media Prophet, Poll Seer, and Public Relations Director designed the mall, with its state-of-the-art retractable roof, thus fulfilling the prophecy of The Windows of Heaven opening, and has done all according to a vision given by trained professional angels using licensed PowerPoint software not yet released, on the evening of September 10, 2001, in order to secure a safe and culturally satisfying zone-of-consumption, free from The World in these Times of TroubleTM.
Thus, I, ____________ , declare all modern prophets inspired men for protecting me with The Windows of Heaven from all those Islam Terror People, and for allowing me the chance to serve my country and my church, yea, even while outfitting my home in a style that expresses my spiritual identity, offered on reasonable terms at six months no interest. I ________________ promise to stand pure, in holy places like dressing rooms staffed with retail professionals, having faith in very footstep to unbelievable deals, no matter the changing fashions of the World.
And this is my own little addition:
I, ____________ , agree to shop at the following City Creek Retailers listed below, unless the Church doesn’t
1. Change its policy on ___________________
2. Call Sister/Brother ___________________ to the position of ___________________.
List Stores Boycotted Here:
P.S. It’s a wonder that they would expose themselves, and people’s testimonies about God, to such obvious tactics for social change and to the vagaries of the economy, merely out of ambition to appear fashionable; perhaps after seeing all those snobs sneer at them during the Olympics, isn’t it?