Petition For Financial Non-Disclosure

To combat a newly released petition that has the audacity to politely request “the Church” disclose its financials, as found at, I’m providing an alternative petition, exactly as delivered to me by “insiders” at the Church: 

Invitation To Not Disclose Your Works And Show Our Lack Of Faith

We non-members of the non-existing Church that is branded by a logo and trademark currently registered to a corporation sole, hereby demand said corporation never disclose to us any of its financial dealings; believing as the sacred holy scriptures declare, that the Lord doesn’t work in darkness, except when handling another person’s charitable contribution for the purposes of investment, resource allocation, payment of “stipends and modest living allowances but not ‘modest modest’, meaning ‘poor’ or ‘middle class’ living allowances,” setting aside a few billion for a “rainy day,” asset reassignment, and many other things too complex for us to understand;

And in these times it is our duty, nay, our privilege as followers of the Prophet, to allow whosoever may come into contact with said charitable contribution, claiming to represent the Lord by virtue of his happening to have been once upon a time touched by another man, who claimed to be touched by someone who, a long time ago, etcetera, was Touched By An Angel (TM); or anyone employed by such a man; or anyone employed to handle said contributions, or volunteering to do so; or really anyone wearing a modest (but not “cheap” modest) suit more than twice a week;

As we said, it is our duty to allow these persons to do whatsoever things they deem right and correct, as defined by them, according to standards which also shall be kept in the dark, even as the scriptures testifieth.  Our faith is collectively defined by allowing others to keep us in the dark, because we get a tax deduction either way, and its not like God will ever allow His Sacred Funds, not even a farthing, shekel, hay-penny, talent, or other strange scriptural monetary unit like Shiblum which gives a veneer of religiosity to our exchanging of money, God will not allow, we testifieth, a single tiny piece of Faith-units to be ever wasted, misspent, or go unaccounted for in a vast financial empire not unlike that of Satan’s, except this one is righteous and his is the counterfeit; and if it turned out that they did things with our money that we’d never do, that might challenge our testimony not unlike the casting of pearls of mystery before the wicked, or public witnessing of having even brief conversations with Christ, or many other things we know they know but we being too unrighteous cannot hear lest our souls explode, not unlike as we said allowing Tiffany pearls for some reason to be tried-on by swine that happen to get loose at City Creek Mall (which swarm of pigs is us, symbolically); for God does not need our money, and we are pigs; but we need to give Faith-units to his representatives on Earth so that we can have faith by his keeping us in the dark.  And sacrifice too.  We need to sacrifice, even more than a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  All in favor, say “oink”. (ldsnewsroom approved 7.17.12)