LDS Church announces new thing

New Thing Better, Stronger Than Older Thing

A new thing has been announced by the LDS Church, to be implemented in January 20Whenever.  This thing replaces the older thing, which although revealed by revelation to the Revelator, has been since rendered ineffective due to some bad things in the world.

“This is yet again proof that the Lord’s Anointed Mouthpiece,” said Elder Whatever, “leads this Church through the Lord who stands at its head.  We are very excited for this new thing.”  Families are to be strengthened by the new thing, which has been designed, according to some guy, “according to the Savior’s principles of teaching families Faith strengthening principles.”

Another guy said he was “pretty anxious to get cracking” at the new thing, although some Mormons remain nostalgic about the older thing, one tweeting, “#oldthing was awesoem but #newthing is rrrrevvvelation.”  Testimonies are sure to be solidified, hardened, cemented, ossified, or otherwise rendered from liquid into solid state, while belief in the Savior will be, one LDS figure announced, better, harder, stronger, faster, or otherwise comparatively more of whatever was there before.

The new thing, according to internal documents, cost an estimated $18 million dollars.   The fact that the new thing merely re-arranges the old thing, and has more photos, does not, one LDS spokesperson insisted, mean that the LDS Church is basically irrelevant, and incapable of teaching, saying, doing, or making anything remotely interesting, significant, or life-changing for its “members.”  “Just because we are counting on those perennial suckers, the 15-to-19-year old audience, to fall in love with our new thing,” Elder Whatever declared fervently, “this does not mean that religious freedom should be curtailed.”

“We are not merely vulgar, inane life-sucking parasites slowly destroying the work of Joseph Smith,” Elder Whats-his-name scowled during the latest Generic Conference.  “Hear the flapping of my jowls, and see the pink lipstick I wear, the wires behind my ears that download MyProgram2.0, for they individually witness of the Savior’s need to be loved by us individually, and we provide that need,” he said, blubbering incoherently into non sequitor, “wah wah wah,” at the conclusion of a slobbering denunciation of bad things.  Some people in white shirts and floral print dresses stood up and waved at him, and a large group of obese men and women then yelled out a nineteenth century hymn written by a dead guy with some actual creativity, to be sung by Methodist churches, as the LDS Church concluded yet another new thing.