In yet another embarassing report for the LDS Church and its practice of baptizing dead people, a purportedly non-homo sapien ancient named Uglak Uglab has been “baptized” in Mormon temples, and as the “Ordinance Record” sheet indicates, he was also confirmed a member of the Mormon Church in 2008. A member of the now extinct Red Deer Cave People, gruntsperson Ok Ok Ok Ha, responded to the news of Uglak’s vicarious baptism by saying, “Ok Ok Ok Ha Ok Ok Ha NGG,” and by making threatening gestures with a scalp taken from an enemy people said to occupy a nearby cave. An anonymous Cave Person also said, “our peoples have been subject to extermination for thousands of years, by humans like those racist Mormons, and it’s time for the post-mortal cultural slaughter to cease.” He called for a boycott of the Mormon Mall, except “Nordstrom, which can’t be held responsible for the actions of a few rogue Mormons.”
Mormon Church Spokesman Michael Osmond responded to the report, first released by the watchdog group “Archaeologists Against Baptism of Ancient Peoples” on Monday, by insisting that safeguards are in place to prevent vicarious rituals being performed on behalf of celebrities, Holocaust victims, and, now, fossilized peoples. “Any person submitting names of fossilized individuals, whether complete skeletons or not,” Mr. Osmond said, “will be subject to some sort of, you know, thing. Discipline, that’s the word. Yes, discipline.” He defended the Mormon Church’s right to practice their religion, and warned of increasing discimination against all peoples of faith, including those of Red Deer Cave.
Mr. Osmond also indicated that Uglak’s baptism counters recent claims that the Mormon Church is racist, having denied priesthood authority to people of African descent for over a century. The ban was denounced widely by non-racists as “racist,” and only in 1978 removed. When Uglak’s birthplace was shown to be in China, however, Mr. Osmond suggested that even though “not useful for proving we are not racists,” he explained, “this shows how Mormons embrace, symbolically, people of any sexual orientation.”
Mormon bloggers responded to the news with statements lauding the expansion of vicarious rites to “persons not of homo sapien origin,” one of the key “hot button” topics covered at a recent Mormon Stories Conference. “Brother OKHA prolly doesn’t understand,” said one anonymous Mormon blogger, “that this is a spiritual work that means, really, nothin at all. Nothin. It’s just symbolic, you know, and allows the Church to respond to public opinion polling by baptizing, or not, whatever groups, ethnicities, or A-list celebs it wants, all because it furthers their mission to perform Public Relations work on behalf of the dead.”
[Errata: Gruntsperson Ok Ok Ok Ha has an additional “Ok” after the name “Ha.” We apologize to any of the Cave people offended or confused by this omission.]